I want to live... no, seriously.

I have been away, and I have been trying to move heaven and earth to get back to the business of saving my life. But perhaps it's like heaven and earth trying to move me instead. I don't know. My obesity is a monster, and though I was making excellent progress, my arm surgery almost took me out completely. I gained twenty pounds after my arm surgery, and I had a hard time getting back into "the experiment".

I was deeply fearful that the lack of protein in my diet would restrict my healing process, but I did not bother to look more deeply into vegan options for more protein. Being in pain and being so full of anxiety from having my lifestyle taken away from me, I began to give up, rationalizing each infraction against my health as I descended the stair back down to that dark place. A place where I was incurably depressed, and treating that depression with food that had no regard for veganism. Yes, I was trying to eat healthy. Yes, I was trying not to stray too far from the life I had worked so hard to build. Looking back, I perceive that I could keep what I had at arms length. I did not realize that to some degree food was not all that different from alcohol, heroine or cocaine. If you are addicted to Genoa Salami, then you are addicted to Genoa Salami. But there is a catch. When I left the lifestyle, I started to feel worse -- not all of the sudden, not all at once. I had this depression, negativity, pitted adema, sore legs and the feeling of being weighed down with lead. Remember, I didn't gain all of my weight back. I had lost 80 pounds when I had my injury. At my worst I still had a fifty to sixty pound weight loss to be thankful for, but time was running out. I am eating vegan again, and I am sticking to what worked before, eating fresh vegetables that are msotly raw or blanched. I will use a soy protein based powder after my workout at the gym. I have been on this path again for the last week and already the results are amazing.

Thank you for reading. More to come.