Day 88... Building up to something.

As my time for this experiment draws to a close I reflect upon the results I have had, and what it is that I want to achieve, and I compare the two in my mind hoping to find some link between what are really two separate visions. One is determined to lose weight and achieve optimum health. The other is the elimination of all food products related to animals, anywhere from bovines to bees, to exclude meat, milk, honey, eggs, cheese and anything that may even remotely include the exploitation of animals. It was the vision of this experiment that the two can work hand in hand and create a way of life that is healthy, permanent and sustainable.

Being a vegan has helped me reduce or eliminate many of my problems as an obese person, but it is not the sole cure. As I reach towards the end of my experiment I found that health wise I have reached a plateau, and that there is so much out there that's vegan which can be sidled over into the junk food section as well. I can eat a mountain of organic tortilla chips and guacamole and gain all kinds of weight. Pesto and pasta is a real waistline killer too. Lot's of frozen pre-prepared dishes pushed as vegan have as much additives as a chemistry experiment. Sodium is also a demon of obesity that lurks in lots of vegan fare.

So as I approach my huge-ass birthday I'm beginning to reflect a lot about what's needed for me to eat well, be well and stay fit. And although veganism has been a huge windfall for me as far as jump starting my weight loss routine, it is not an answer in and of itself. I don't really expect anything to be an answer in and of itself, but I do believe that there is something out there for me that will bring me as close as possible to the best solution. I believe that answer is a raw whole food type of diet which will eliminate me from eating breads and tortillas and oils. Though healthy, they inherently distract one's body from shedding fat and staying fit.

I can get the best fats, grains, proteins, carbs and starches from the actual fruits, nuts, grains and veggies themselves. I found it was easy to feast as a vegan. Shouldn't it be just as easy to feast as a raw whole foodist?

Yesterday after church I went to an Italian restaurant with some friends and I ordered a garden salad. It came to me with tiny chunks of what appeared to be mozzarella. I had to send it back. It was large salad with the five bean salad on top, some tomatoes and lettuce. It was good. I suppose I can eat anywhere as a person who eats primarily raw foods. Also, I could make the exception for legumes, as long as they are not cooked in any sauces or packed in oil. I imagine there are a lot of options for me out there, but I know for the most part that I won't be eating at any restaurant unless I had a reason too. Right now I do eat out at least once a day on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Maybe after my birthday it will only be occasionally on Sunday.

If I go to Pizza Hut or Cici's I can eat out everyday, and I can eat enough so that I can blow off dinner. However, I'm not sure I want to eat that way. I lost a lot of my weight early into my experiment when I was eating once day, eating super-veggie meals. When I went to the nutritionist she really emphasized the value of eating five times a day, and breaking my plate into proteins, carbs and veggies. While eating raw whole foods I still want to maintain her format, even though my weight loss has plateaued since I first saw her. At least I didn't gain weight since I started with her program, right? Let's see how we do with raw whole foods. I still have few days left though. I want to make at least one more visit to the Mongolian Barbecue.

Day 87... Veganomics

Veganomics

From Snikerpedia, the silliest encyclopedia out there!

Veganomics is the social science that studies the production, distribution, and consumption of fruits and vegetables by individuals or families who love animals so much that they want to dress them up in cabana wear and let them roam freely throughout the streets of Detroit. The term veganomics comes from the Ancient Greek for veggie (green stuff plus love animals) and nomos ("custom" or "law"), hence "rules of eating fruits and veggies out of a great love for animals".[1]


Current veganomic models developed out of the broader field of a complete disgust with fast food and industrial farming methods in the late 19th century, owing to a desire to use an organic approach more akin to home gardening and buying only locally grown organic produce.[2] A definition that captures much of modern economics is that of Lionel from "The Jeffersons" and "All in the Family" in a 1992 essay: "the science which studies human behaviour as a relationship with vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds and legumes as an alternative to eating foods derived from the exploitation of animals."[3] Exploitation refers to the eating of flesh from other animals (fish and Stephen Colbert included), while also utilizing anything that is derived from the milk or egg of any animal. But there are lots of crazy ass plant based substitutes for this stuff so there is no veganomic problem. The subject thus defined involves the study of naturaly grown fruits and vegetables as they are affected by our hunger and our love for animals.


Veganomics aims to explain how veganomies work and how veganomic agents interact. Veganomic analysis is applied throughout society, in business and finance but also in crime (in case someone tries to steal your beans),[4] education (for kids who wait desperately all week for pizza day at school lunch, only to be fed gruel and termite saliva),[5] the family (for when the kids go home and have to endure another round of meatless torture as they watch comercial after commercial of saliva pumping ads for Wendy's, McDonalds, Burger King and Sonic while waiting for yet some more gruel), health (you will die if you go back to meat), law (It should be illegal to harm animals), politics (animals should have equal rights, like so many Americans who can't speak English), religion (because cows are sacred in Hindu culture and have earned the right to step over the rotting corpses of starving human beings, because that is what we deserve),[6] social institutions (Hey, animals are social), and war (If we can only teach marmots to shoot a gun).[7] The dominating effect of veganomics on the social sciences been described as veganomic heaven.[8][9]

Day 86... Veganity.

Veganity

From Snikerpedia, the silliest encyclopedia out there!

In comic parlance, veganity is the excessive belief in one's own abilities or attractiveness to eating vegan. In many religions veganity is considered a form of self-idolatry, in which one rejects lord-god-beef-n-pork for the sake of one's own self image, and thereby becomes divorced from the graces of grizzle. The stories of Lucifer and Narcissus (who gave us the term barbecue), and others, are repulsed by veganity.

Philosophically-speaking, veganity may refer to a broader sense of egoism and pride. Fredrick Knietzsche wrote that "veganity is the fear of eating meat and dairy: it is thus a lack of protein and calcium, but not necessarily a lack of vitamins and minerals." One of Manson Cooley's aphorisms is "Veganity well fed is benevolent. Veganity hungry is spiteful."

In early Christian-Beef-Loving-Stephen-Colbert type of teachings veganity is considered un-american, and an example of pride, one of the seven deadly sins (besides, baby carrots are trying to make Stephen Colbert gay).

Day 86... Veganity.

Veganity: From Slikipedia, the 'cool' encyclopedia

In comic parlance, vanity is the excessive belief in one's own ability to, or attractiveness in, eating only fruits and veggies. In many religions veganity is considered a form of self-idolatry, in which one rejects "Lord God Meat Made in Heavan and sold throughout the USA" for the sake of one's own appetite for healthy foods that healf fight cancer and ward off diseases, and thereby becomes divorced from the graces of Lord-God-Meat. The stories of Lucifer and Narcissus (who gave us the term barbeque), and others, attend to a life void of vegetables.
Philosophically-speaking, veganity may refer to a broader sense of egoism and pride. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that "veganity is the fear of diseases related to consuming excessive animal based food products: it is thus a lack of guts, but not necessarily a lack of healthy good sense."One of Mason Cooley's aphorisms is "Veganity well fed is benevolent. Veganity hungry is spiteful."
In early Born-Again-Meat-Loving-Cheese-Drinking-God-Bless-America teachings veganity is considered an example of pride, one of the seven deadly sins.

Day 85... Feelin' good this morning.

Just checking in to say I feel pretty good this morning. Yesterday I noshed on a mix of dried fruit and almonds. I had a V8 every now and then. Actually, not a low calorie low fat way to eat yesterday, but low in volume and high in nutrition. I worked out. I did TaeBox and Bodysculpt. After that I went home and made a 16 ounce smoothie with ice, a quarter cup of lemon juice, a dash of sea salt, some water and Stevia. It was really, really good. I am going to my favorite Arabian restaurant to eat soon. Maybe I'll eat Indian, or just the salad bar at Pizza Hut or Cici's. Who knows? Actually, I ate at Cicic's the other day and for the first time in a long time I was tempted by all the pizza. So scratch the salad buffet at the pizzaria.

The fact is, I am determined to remain at least a strict vegetarian or vegan at the most. Until my birthday, I want to sample all the flavors of mostly cooked food and prepared dishes before I embark on phase II of my eating plan, a plan that is mostly raw whole foods prepared for by myself. I consider this experiment a success, but also I consider it still an ongoing experience.

Goodbye for now! See you next Monday!

Day 84... Whole foods vs. Raw foods.

I like lentils. But you have to cook lentils to enjoy them, which is why I am concerned about the raw foods diet. I will include 'mostly' raw foods, but getting protein is a real challenge for me, and I want to do it naturally. As it says in Wikipedia: With 26% protein, lentils have the highest level of protein in any plant after soybeans and hemp, and because of this it is a very important part of the diet in many parts of the world, especially in India, which has a large vegetarian population.

Saturday I will attend a Raw Food Meet up in the Richmond area (not that I am giving away my location).

I have a lot to learn, but I will ask many questions.

Ciao!

Or 'chow' perhaps, if you are hungry.

Day 83... Confession is like diarrhea.

Confession is like diarrhea. Especially if the confession is about diarrhea. Very embarrassing, but I find that buying sugar free Italian ice water from the local vendor is a huge laxative that works within hours. The reason why I bring this up is because I find that as a vegan approaching the raw food world with new optimism I feel that consuming artificial sweeteners may be a violation of my beliefs, and yet I did so anyways, because I have become obsessed with my weight, rather than my health. I would go to an Italian Ice shop near my workplace every so often when I felt that the weight wasn't going down fast enough, and I'd order a large sugar free flavor of the day. Two hours later I would be in the rest room with as bad a case of diarrhea as ever.

There is a term for this. It is called Bulimia Nervosa and it's something I don't want to get, even though I may already have it to a certain extent. As a vegan blogger I need to expose this thing I have to the world in order for me to defeat it, and start new again as a man who is prepared to accept the realities of being an obese man in a thin world. I have lost a lot of weight -- but you know what? I stopped losing the weight for almost four weeks now. Bulimia is not the answer. Crazy cleanses are not the answer. Good, whole and living foods might be the answer for me.

So today, instead of going to the Italian Ice shop, I went to a salad buffet instead. For just 5.25 I ate more than enough broccoli, romaine lettuce, baby carrots (sorry Stephen Colbert), black olives, red onions, fresh mushrooms and sliced cucumbers with low calorie Italian dressing and some french dressing too. I had a little bowl of pasta with some marina sauce -- perhaps a cup full. I had a water. If I have to stop weighing myself, I will. But something has to change.

From now on I am eating only whole foods.

Not to be wholier than thou.

Day 82... Pesto control.

Hi. A few nights ago I had the coolest dream. I dreamt that I stumbled upon several baby rattler snakes, curled up in neat little bundles everywhere on a sandy and gravely drive. They had a patterning of various greens and yellows with a small rattle at the end of their tails. I wanted to catch some of them if I could, and I was afraid about not being able to choose which one to catch, or not being able to catch enough of them, or not having the traditional snake handlers stick because they were so small. A lot of thoughts went through my head. I thought they looked so beautiful, they looked like fine jewelry, and I wanted to have at least one. Finally I picked one to catch but before I had a chance it came after me quickly, and I suddenly found myself jumping in bed and pulling the covers over my body for safety. The snake, lost now, had somehow entered the bed and placed a bite on the inside of my left upper thigh and though the pain was less than a mosquito bite I was very much afraid of the venom I may have received. I had trouble finding the bite. Then I found it. It was a tiny wound that produced a yellow crust. I felt it wasn't a good situation to be in, but it was more manageable than I thought. I had some trouble getting the help I needed and I was beginning to feel like doing nothing about it until the problem went away. Then I woke up. What a weird dream.

The snake over to my left is a fat old copperhead seen at the Back Bay National Wildlife Refuge in Virginia Beach. That snake did strike at me, but at a safe distance. He was aggressive. He was on the path and I wanted to make sure I could go around it without being bitten, so I dismounted from my bike and approached it with a stick to see if he could move a little out of the way. Well, he took a strike at me and then went into the tall grass. Pretty exciting. They have a lot of snakes there -- mostly venomous. I wanted to go there this weekend, but I was too busy, and I stayed at home. Maybe that is why I had the dream. I made up for it by being an overzealous cook this weekend and dispatched with a huge bundle of basil and made cheese-free pesto, which I proceeded to eat with slices of cocktail bread (which was up for clearance at the supermarket). I had two loaves of the stuff, a head of garlic, at least a full cup of olive oil and basil. Lots and lots of basil. I nearly killed myself the all natural way -- using organic all natural ingredients. I even had a loaf of olive bread too, with about two pounds of tomatoes. I was really submersed in my addiction.

The basil started to go bad almost immediately which is why I ate it inthe first place. It started to go bad just after I brought it home from an organic farmer's market. I also had about five pounds of tomatoes, and some sweet red peppers too. All this and about a head of garlic. Needless to say I skipped the Mongolian barbecue this weekend. But I did have awful Indian food. I expected them to have lentils on the buffet and they did not. I ate a lot of potatoes that day. Potatoes, olive oil and bread. Not good.

Yesterday at the health club I nearly died trying to do my step intervals class. And then I did step aerobics too! Nearly died out there. I attribute it to eating badly. I wanted to get rid of the remaining stuff I had in my cupboards -- just like I did last week. Well, it's all gone. I just have a half quart of soy milk. Today I am physically sore and beat. But here's something I found on the web that was interesting. The other day I made a reference to Bear Grylls on this blog, and it's interesting to note that he has posted some information about his personal health and nutrition on his website. If you look Bear Grylls up on the web you can find it. Eventually I would like to be more like him, and I'd like to follow his strategy for health and fitness as well. He is not exactly a vegetarian, but does promote eating as little of animal products as possible. And he exercises regularly.

Got to go for now. Talk to you soon.

Day 78... You are what you eat.

I wonder if too much soy milk is not a good thing. I think of the saying, you are what you eat. And I also think of Forest Gump when he says 'stupid is as stupid does'. What if we can apply those same concerns to the excessive consuming of smoothies.

Smoothies is what smoothies does sir.

I have stayed smooth, and healthy again this week. I need to look at something I'm doing now that is rendering my efforts ineffective. On the lighter side, I have succeeded in not gaining weight. That was a success. But I haven't lost any either.

What did I do differently from before?

I'll tell you what I did that I am not doing now -- or should I say, I'll tell you what I didn't do. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch before. Now I have something for breakfast and lunch. I didn't have at least two snacks before. Granted, it may be a can of V8 juice, but I fit a couple of extra cans of the stuff in there during the course of the day now. I didn't eat before my workout. Now I have a soy-fruit-tofu smoothie at least an hour before working out.

What did I do back then? I would deprive myself of food all day and stay hungry and only eat at night when I felt certain that I earned the meal I was eating. Even if deep down inside I may have felt I didn't deserve it, I would still eat one meal at the end of the day. The meal was usually something substantial in the way of veggies and beans supplemented with tofu, or I would just have tofu in and of itself. It looks as though I will have to go back to this trend if I'm ever going to burn off the weight. I went to the dietitian. I did what she asked me to do. I maintained a steady weight of 337.4 pounds. That's great -- if I want to maintain my weight. I don't want to maintain my weight. I weigh a bone crushing 337 pounds and the weight has got to come off if I am going to have any quality of living in my life. Let's look at the facts.

Fact. I can't starve if I have a decent meal to look forward too at the end of the day. Bear Grylls and Les Stroud are my idols and they proved to me that it takes a little to go along way, so why should I stuff my fat ass for breakfast and lunch when I can be a man and wait until the end of the day for a job well done.

Fact. An obese person can afford to skip a meal or two. Contrary to pseudo-scientific belief, a fat person can't suffer from missing meals. They can only stand to lose a few pounds as a consequence.

Fact. I felt better when the weight was coming off. Some might argue that this is psychological in that I am responding emotionally to what the scale is telling me. However, if I stayed 400 pounds I wouldn't be doing kickboxing today. I'd still be a fat vegetarian sipping on a smoothie and noshing on a veggie burger. Now I can at least go for walk or move around, and dieting and moderate exercise alone did not get me the results I needed to turn my health around. Ass kicking cardio workouts drenched in sweat got me here.

Fact. It's not healthy going up in weight and it's not healthy going down either. But which should you choose? There is a limit to all this. I have found that I feel energetic and to have an elevated mood at around 1000 calories. Anything less and I begin to feel sick. Anything more and I just stay fat. I sit behind a desk all day, and most of my activities are sit down type of things. Going to the gym for two hours is the thing that makes the difference. But even if I didn't go regularly, or not at all, a thousand calories is plenty of energy for me. I am not the farmer or sea bound fisherman my parents and grandparents had been. Back in the day they needed over five thousand calories to survive, but more than likely food was a little more scarce and expensive for them. So they were lean and they lived long into their nineties. My parents are not so lucky. My dad died a few years ago and my mom is weak with diabetes and blood pressure issues at 65. I love her very much but she is a victim of this new modern sit-down and corn-syrup-super-hydrogenated-100-calorie-per-package lifestyle, which leads me to my next point.

Fact. It's not just the calories in your food, but the nutritional value in conjunction with the degree of processing we have to watch out for that leads to better health. I have come to believe that a smoothie is just that... a smoothie. Soy beans should be eaten fresh and not processed into milk and tofu. Soy milk and tofu are great if you want to maintain a certain weight and stay healthy, but they are processed to a certain degree. I'm not a vegan because I love animals. I'm doing it because meat,and processed foods are trying to kill me. Even worse than dying is to go on living as an obese person. There is no happiness in this life unless one is truly free from the bonds of poor health and obesity.

I have stated it clearly here for everyone to read. This is my mantra. My declaration of Independence. My meditation. My vision. I offer this up for anyone who reads it with the hopes that it will stimulate others into action, response and revision.

Eat lean, work hard and live long.

Day 77... Just a vegan.

I got real hungry last night and went to Ellwood Thompson's for an impromptu dinner after choir rehearsal. I bought a pack of Smart Deli vegetarian Bologna, a pack of vegan American style cheese and a bag of sea salt soy crisps... And I ate. It was good. I made little soy crisp sandwiches.

This morning I made two soy milk banana shakes. Just add vanilla soy milk and a banana in a blender and 'cream' it to death on whatever setting works best. Then drink. Awesome.

Last night I made three smoothies for today. Each smoothie has a serving of fruit, two servings of silk tofu, a third of a banana and some soy milk. They were a light pink last night when I made them, but I think the banana makes them gray by morning. They taste kind of gray too. Not as good (or as decadent) as a soy banana shake.

I also started on some low sodium V8 juice. I bought two cases of the stuff at Sam's Club. I'll drink at least three cans a day. Seems like a good thing to do.

And next Saturday I will attend one of many of our town's farmer's markets with a friend, whom I will help buy up his share of organic veggies at his cooperative farming club. I will supplement my smoothies and veggie juices with fresh organic veggies as well.

I just don't want to cook anymore. What can I say. I'm a guy, okay?

Day 76... No one reads this blog.

Hello. It seems as though I am alone hear in my own little blog world. I am still a vegan though, and will be until my birthday on October 4Th. And I plan on continuing to be a vegan, but more into raw foods I believe -- for another three month gig. I know I don't want to cook much these days, but I'm getting to the point where I don't want to even make a smoothie. My tofu-fruit smoothies taste awful. They don't taste like fruit, and they don't taste like tofu (thank god). I picture myself having some fruit and nuts or seeds for breakfast, then having a V8 with nuts and/or seeds for lunch and perhaps the same for dinner with the addition of something like a piece of fruit and/or a vegetable of one sort or another. I can manage that.

Anyhow, no one seems to be following my blog. It's just the way it is I guess. No one leaves comments or helpful suggestions.

And though I have all sorts of energy and I feel better, I am also depressed as well. I really, really, really loved food, and that love for food was designed to kill me. So how is it that the one you love the most is out to kill you? It's not like I can go out and have a hamburger every once in a while. I worked my tail off last week, ate a totally vegan diet and didn't lose a pound. I did eat a lot though. I was cleaning out my freezer and kitchen and I had this food I thought I can get rid of during the course of the week. It turned out it was more food than I can handle. Plus, I ate out a few times, and as you would expect, I ate off of the salad bar, or only hot veggies. I ate at the Sahara middle eastern cuisine. I ate at Shoney's (twice) , I ate at the Mongolian Barbecue (eating only veggies, tofu and rice) and I ate at an Indo-Paki type restaurant and had lentils, rice and other vegetarian dishes. I ate a lot, and I proved that as a strict vegetarian, no matter how much I eat I cannot gain weight. But I can't stay this way either, so I raised the bar (or lowered it, depending on how you look at things) by going back to soy smoothies with fruit, an occasional veggie juice and not much else. We will do this until my birthday and see how it goes.

Wish me luck. If I don't make it back from the wilderness of fat free and sugar free eating then I just want you to know that I love you all.

Bye for now.

Day 71... It's baba ghanoush all over again!

Hi there.

I'm back from a helluva hiatus, and I'm here to tell ya, it's a 'fat' world out there, and I've been a bad vegan. Let's put it this way... I gained two ounces since my last weigh off. There are many reasons why I gained what I gained (if, in fact, I did actually gain weight). But let's put this nonsense aside and allow me to explain the primitive drawing of a plate full of food pictured above.

I attended to a dietitian just over two weeks ago, and she 'designed' the helpful diagram above. It is a plate describing approximately what proportions of food I should have in respect to fresh vegetables, starches/carbs and proteins. Apparently half of my plate can manage at least a cup or more of fresh, mostly raw, vegetables. I need a cup of carbs on one quarter of my plate, consisting of possibly fruit, beans, whole wheat pasta or whole grain rice. The last quarter of my plate is reserved for protein, consisting of beans, nuts, seeds, tofu and other vegetarian type fake meats (there's a lot of meat substitutes out there if you look for them).

I am to eat five times a day, broken down to three meals and two snacks consisting of a fruit of some kind, like an apple or peach. Breakfast can be one of my famous tofu smoothies consisting of a cup of fruit, two servings of tofu, and vanilla soy milk blended to a shake. Use the silk variety Tofu -- extra soft. Fruits can be frozen berry blend or smoothie blend with peach, papaya and pineapple -- or just blueberries or strawberries. Another breakfast is a slice of Ezekiel bread, 2 tee spoons of almond butter and a fruit. Another breakfast is a Lara bar, a Cliff nectar bar with a soy yogurt or soy milk.

The lunch and dinners are more or less what I've been eating, but a smaller portion to compliment the breakfast and snack.

Afternoon snack is 60 minutes before going to the gym, and consists of either a piece of fruit, a soy yogurt, one third cup of almonds or a Lara or Cliff Nectar bar.

What do you think? This seems like a good plan, doesn't it? It insures that I will not starve, but I will also lose weight and feel great.

We'll get there. Last week was a disaster though. I was in a big rush to eat all my frozen veggies. Apparently they expired and lost all their flavor. They are what I call 'discomfort food' where one eats, out of obligation or some sense of duty, foods they would normally throw out. Then I had at least two loaves of Ezekiel bread to compliment the Jerry Lewis of eat-a-thons, eating these unpalatable veggies to get to the organic good stuff I bought at the farmer's market last Sunday. The good stuff sits in the fridge 'languishing' while I eat the tasteless tailing's of frozen veggie rejects packed in Mexico, and delivered frozen to our stores.

So I ate, and ate, and ate. Yesterday and today I ate a total of four bagels from the office break room. I was overcome by the urge to eat bagels. But no more.

My fridge is clean and empty of undesirable food. From now on it's fresh veggies, fruits, soy smoothies and healthy snacks. Are you in on this one with me? Can we do it? We'll find out.

Day 70... September 11.

I was on my way to work on the morning of nine-eleven. I never made it to work. I was running late and I took the last bus into Manhattan. It was my second to last day of work at this company before I boarded a plane to Texas to start what I thought was a new life. I had two of the happiest years of my life as I worked at the World Trade Center in New York. I remember there used to be some huge planters in the lobbies of the twin towers, and every so often I used to 'steal' a few flowers and anonymously place them at the desk of a few of the coworkers that I liked. I remember going down to the street level for lunch and walking just past the fire station to a corner pizzeria or browsing the farmer's market they had there every Thursday, and I'd flirt with the Mennonite woman who sold cheese curds and other farm products. She was really nice, and we'd talk about the Mennonite mission they had started in upper Manhattan, and often I promised to come visit their services. I was hoping to see her that day. But sometimes I would go to this sushi bar downstairs and get a pretty cheap lunch to take with me to my desk. It was such a beautiful place to work. I miss it so much.

Our bus came as close as Hoboken and we had to turn around and go back. We made it past the Tapanzee Bridge before they closed it off and I was home again at my parent’s house. By that time I had moved out of my apartment, sold my cabin in upstate NY and had everything I owned packed and placed near my desk at work. Three large duffle bags. I worked for a company in Tower 2 on the 21st floor. I realize I didn't lose much on that day, and everyone I new made it out alive and well. But not long after that my life fell apart. It was hard to imagine the personal items I had lost. It was even harder to witness my workplace being disintegrated right before my eyes. Even more difficult was the insanity of going through the process of FEMA only to be rejected, and then having to endure another application process at FEMA's request, only to be rejected again and again until I just started throwing out the mail because it made me physically ill to look in my mailbox. But all of this seems to be just the lesser part of what I went through. To what degree or percentage the actual event and consequences weigh in at, I do not know. But I feel that the months, years and lives I had to live since then seemed to be a sadness that was seemingly unbearable, and yet no one out there in all this time could connect with me to fulfill some basic yet somewhat obscure need that I had to be loved after enduring this sadness. I needed people to tell me they cared for me, and yet as a man I found it impossible to voice this need.

I remember, after moving to Texas just a few days after the disaster I met up with some old college friends, and they took me out for dinner. I don't drink, but they were having a few and they would announce to a waitresses and women as they passed by that I had survived nine-eleven, and then they told me that I had to use this experience to my advantage so that I can "get laid" and even though I was so offended by the comment, I felt that I didn't have the strength to fight back. I lasted less than a month in Texas and came back to Connecticut and lived with my parents. My experience in Texas told me that I had to shut up about nine-eleven for good, and pretend it never happened to me. People were more concerned about the war aspect of it. They would look at me and say, you 'you should be grateful' or 'God definitely has a plan for your life' when it would have been entirely reasonable just to say that it was sad that you had to suffer through that and 'I am not sure what I would have done if that happened to me'.

I remember that I could not talk about the disaster any more because it made me physically ill to do so. And yet the media was, and to a certain extent, still is saturated with news about nine-eleven that hardly a day (and at one time hardly an hour) goes by without being exposed to it. I used to have the most vivid dreams of being at my old workplace and being with my old friends in my life the way it was, and upon waking my heart would sink like it was made of lead, knowing that it was just a dream. I was no longer living in New York City. I was no longer taking the weekends to work on my cabin in upstate New York. I was no longer going out with friends. I was no longer dating. I was living at home with my parents and finding it hard to concentrate on a job that I was highly overqualified for, obsessing over the news, anticipating Bin Laden would be captured any day now, gaining weight and feeling trapped. Thoughts of suicide crept into my head, and I ballooned up to the 400 lb mark. I had gained over 100 lbs since I left New York. I was depressed, devastated, suicidal and alone. I didn't bother going to my 20 year high school reunion. I began to lose the desire to live.

I went to therapy for a while at this time in my life. Psychotherapy is such a hard thing to regulate; it's hard to know what you are getting into. I went every week for a few months until my counselor just disappeared. The head of the practice 'acted' surprised to see that my counselor did not inform me that she was leaving, and she offered to take up my sessions where I had left off. But I could tell she wasn't interested. I made the decision right then and there that I was just going to forget about nine-eleven all together. By then my survival story seemed to be a big joke, and now it was just a way for someone to make some money off of me.

I stopped talking about nine-eleven. When it came up on TV I changed the channel. On the internet I ignored it. I believe that on some level my story seemed unremarkable or insubstantial, like Blotto from Animal House rolled off the set and had to endure what I endured, and because it happened to him then it didn't matter because he was just a loser anyway. I discontinued all correspondence with FEMA and The Red Cross. I started looking at myself and my problems as if nine-eleven had nothing to do with them. It took along time. It was as if I woke up from a long, bad dream. However, I did have one major setback. Just as I started to 'wake up' from all of this my father died, and then I had to recover from that as well. At times I struggle with the idea that nine-eleven was somehow more painful than my father's death, and I found that is simply not true. You see, it took a year for me to get back to the place I was emotionally before he passed away. He had a fatal illness. I saw it coming. I was able to spend quality time with my dad, and I was there for him to the very end, and so the mental and emotional recovery was quite different than that of nine-eleven. On nine-eleven I wasn't killed or fatally wounded or crippled. I didn't lose a loved one in that disaster so I didn't have the right to call myself a survivor. I lost all my material possessions that day, and yet I had to endure mocking from FEMA and the Red Cross that I was a fraud, but to 'please fill out another application. It is important to us that you do so' just so I can be accused of being a fraud all over again. Being called a fraud was much worse than having lost my possessions to begin with. Then there was the shame of surviving. Of not being there with my coworkers. Then there was the sadness of having worked at such an esteemed address. The thought that I would have a family someday and I would take them to the tower's observation deck and tell them that I used to work here. The thought that I would come back to New York every so often and visit my friends. All of that is gone now.

I am living in another city somewhere in the south, still struggling but somehow managing at a job that I am highly overqualified for. I replaced that cabin from Upstate New York with a house in the city. I have a couple of dogs and a cat. I visit my mom often, who lives a couple hours away now. I am losing now about 60 pounds from my peak at 400. I go to the gym every day. Life today is more difficult than I would have imagined, and certainly more difficult than from before nine-eleven. But my life must go on. I am awake now.

Nine-eleven remains to be a very sad day for me.

Day 67... Back from vacation.

I'm back. Back from vacation. It wasn't really a vacation. I worked on my house all week. But I did go to a dietitian last Thursday. More shall be revealed. In the meantime, please see the progress on my weekly weight chart!