Day 56... Weight a minute!

Yesterday I ate a can of almonds, at a 170 calories per serving, I had a total of six servings. That equals just over 1000 calories. I had two mugs of black coffee earlier in the morning, and what amounted to four cups of iced green tea during my Hip Hop Hustle class (I had trouble falling asleep last night, by the way). I ate the almonds not long after that class, and I went to bed that night.

I weighed myself before bed at 345.4 pounds, and when I woke the next morning I weighed in at 342.8 pounds. Where did the 2.6 pounds go? I was well hydrated before I came home that evening. I had six ounces of almonds, so I wasn't starved. I got up to urinate maybe twice, but only very lightly. No bowel movements of any kind. No night sweats -- the temperature last night was unseasonably cool. And to add to the matrix one more layer of contradiction -- the fact that I didn't sleep well at all.

Tomorrow morning I will officially weigh myself in for my weekly figures. Tonight I go to TaeBo Kickboxing and Body Sculpting. That's two hours of high impact exercises. I may break the 240 pound barrier tomorrow. Who knows? It seems that my body continues to burn energy even as I sleep.

Now the question I ask myself is this -- why almonds? Well why not almonds? Clearly it stands as the most nutritionally dense food in nature, packed with an impossibly large amount of fat and protein in such a small volume. I could have easily consumed two McDonald's Big Mac's instead, which has about the same nutritional value as six ounces of almonds. But if you tell a person that all I ate today was six ounces of almonds, the response would be that I am first and foremost 'crazy' followed by an equally condescending question as to whether or not I'm hungry. Tell a guy that I'm on a diet and that all I have to eat each day is two Big Mac's and you hear them say, good luck with that -- I'm sure that's more than enough food for you, and you probably wouldn't lose very much weight anyway.

Deceptive. Six ounces of almonds are nutritionally equivalent to two Big Mac's with some exceptions in that there is more sugar, saturated fat and cholesterol in the burger. Same calories. Same total amount of fat. Same protein. Smaller size. Fewer ingredients. I don't know if I can maintain the same amount of weight loss if I adhered to a diet of two Big Mac's per day, and I'm quite sure I don't want to find out either. What I'm doing is working just fine. But what I've learned from this experience thus far is that calories are calories. If I can maintain a daily 1000 calorie limit by eating two Big Mac's, I can still maintain the same health gains I have had as a vegan. My only fear is that the combination of meat, cheese, bread with corn syrup and added sodium will trigger the compulsion to eat, a condition I am still all too familiar with. Yesterday the craving for a ham and cheese sandwich with mayo really kicked in out of the blue, and I was craving a double meat and cheese Subway ham and Swiss foot long sub. I resisted though. My weight loss gains a re a testament to that.

Maybe someday I will go on the Big Mac diet. We'll see. For now it's almonds, or fresh veggies. I see food that is nutritionally dense and free of unwanted sodium, sweeteners and animal fats.

Day 55... Just another day.

Last night I had the last of my baby lima beans--mixed vegetables-diced onion-crushed tomatoes--olive oil--crushed red pepper--curly parsley--chopped garlic--low sodium salt. All raw, cold, uncooked. I can't complain. It was actually pretty good, and it satisfied any hunger I had. During the day yesterday I had at least six peaches from a box left by our insurance agent here at the company. I could have had as many as eight peaches. I just know that as often as I get up I would grab at least two. They were very good, and I discovered that yes, I can eat fruit with my veggies and still maintain my goals. Though I believed my weekend warrior eating habits got the best of me, I am now two ounces below last Friday's weigh in. This morning I weighed 345.4 pounds. I see myself on the edge of the 340 pound mark this Friday. Am I starving? No. But I do tend to postpone my eating until the end of the day.

When I started to tinker with my eating habits some months ago I was obsessed with having enough to eat throughout the day, and I was obsessed with having breakfast, lunch, dinner and a few 'healthy' snacks in between. I spent almost a hundred dollars, it seems, on spices and condiments of one sort or another with the intention of dining sumptuously and mimicking the flavors I was accustomed too at the buffet style Indian restaurant, or adding the flavor of Italian marinara or Mexican cilantro and salsa to the table. My food needed to be nutritious, delicious, low calorie and high quantity enough for me to be satisfied. Well... Besides the fact that I am a lousy cook, all that business became too much work for me. It's really too much work for me to make super meals at night. Even the slightest cold veggie salad takes about a half hour to prep. Then there's the eating. Then there's the cleaning. The putting stuff away. The getting my plastic dishware filled to take with me to work too. I don't want to be bothered by all of that. It's too much of a bother for me. I'm lazy, slow and disinterested. This can be a problem for me in the future, seeing that many relationships revolve around the joy of food. My observation is that when two people form a partnership together, food seems to be more important than sex, work or leisure. Food is another form of intimacy that couples experience together, so that they don't have to eat alone, and that they can enjoy eating as well. From this point of view, eating alone seems more like masturbation. As a result, I find myself thinking about food as something I have to do, rather than a pleasure or obsessive need. For me, I'd rather have all my meals in one convenient pill, and then straddle up in front of the TV on matching treadmills, holding hands and walking while watching a video or our favorite program. There is one couple I see at the gym often, and they take TaeBo kick boxing with me, and I think it's just amazing and a lot of fun to work out with them. For one thing, they are super-fit. They also seem very happy as well.

In the future, I would have to become fit, and find a partner who is a fitness and nutrition freak as well. That's just the way it is. But even fitness addicts enjoy an occasional pizza and Merlot every now and then. I would have to find a sober vegan fitness freak to live with. That is my prospect for me at this point and time. That is what I believe in. And I won't compromise on this either. If I can't find someone out there for me then I'd rather be alone. Eating my insanely healthy, simple end-of-the-day meals of raw veggies, nuts, seeds. Eating alone at the salad bar at lunch. The mad obsession to 'eat well' has transformed to an 'eat fit' ideology, and that has changed too, from an obsession of getting my three squares in so that I follow FDA guidelines to feeling like 'I need to be a man' and that I'm only willing to eat at the end of the day, and only when I feel as though I earned it. And now I've come full circle again. Now I can eat as much as I want, however and whenever I want so long as it's raw and requires sunlight, soil and water to grow. It was not too long ago, when the world was mostly poor and people used to go outside to use the bathroom, a man would eat when he could, and only when he earned it -- usually at the end of the day when the work was done and when he had a chance to cook and eat. Food was generally organic and unprocessed then. If he was married, his wife would fix him dinner, and she would do what ever it took to please him (sexist as it sounds, but true nonetheless). She'd make him a bit of toast in the morning, maybe send him off with a little lunch. But a man struggling to survive on his own would eat when he could and that's just the way it is for me. I like staying a little hungry during the day. It adds a bit of tooth to my edge, if you know what I mean. I like that eating is the last thing I do, and that I eat only after a workout. I do this, knowing also that the weekend is also near, and I tend to reward myself with food then too. I like going to the middle eastern restaurant, the Indian buffet and Mongolian barbecue. But now, I am eating raw. That limits me to the salad bar.

It will be interesting to see if I can survive the weekend eating this way.

Day 54... Eating raw food today.

As I sit here I realize what I must do to maintain a raw food diet. I must go to CiCi's salad bar (or any other comparable salad bar) for either lunch and/or dinner and eat as it is necessary for me to get the proper nutrition I need while being satisfied as well. Actually, the Pizza Hut is closer to my place of employment, but for one reason or another eating their salad bar is proving to be a challenge for me as it seems that the selection is poor and often they have few vegetables at all to eat. Still, even at CiCi's, I don't feel tempted with eating salad and fresh veggies next to a vast array of pizzas. If anything, I find it motivating to eat more vegetables as I am constantly reminded as to why I've become so large in the first place.

I decided to make my raw vegetarian life as simple as possible when I was reflecting on how hard it was to build a meal of raw veggies packed with protein last night. I settled on a bag of frozen baby Lima beans & a bag of mixed vegetables with a diced onion, a can of crushed tomatoes, olive oil, crushed red pepper and low sodium salt. I thought, if this is the best I can do then I'll never be able to maintain a raw vegan lifestyle. I must try harder, I thought to myself, and so I went to the supermarket to find whatever variety of fresh beans they had, and I left frustrated. It seems that meat-and-dairy-all-mighty has a strangle hold on the American marketplace. When I sat down after driving myself crazy at lunch the thought finally occurred to me that I will eat healthy at a veggie and salad bar and supplement my meal with nuts and seeds as needed.

Finally a sigh of relief.

Day 53... Back from the brink.

Since Friday I ate my famous white bean salad, had the lunch buffet at the Sahara Middle Eastern Restaurant, went home to my Mom's to unload the last of my canned produce and ate as much as I could all weekend in anticipation for a new phase in my 'better health' experience, to live as a raw vegan, swearing off all artificial sweeteners, baked goods and processed foods. It will not be easy. I still have a refrigerator filled with Tofu, which I may continue to use in my fruit smoothies. To supplement my smoothies I also bought some vanilla soy milk, but after this week I feel the tofu and soy milk will be gone, and I will embark on a quest to obtain all of my nutritional needs from raw, fresh vegetables, fruits, beans, nuts and seeds. I intend to pursue this way of life as I approach the home stretch of my great 'vegan experiment' with the hopes of continuing my blog into a new phase of life: The raw vegan experiment.

So this past weekend I went home and ate a bowl of zucchini squash with some pasta and olive oil. Then I ate some olive loaf bread with olive oil spread. The next day I had lots and lots of bread of one variety or another, with what amounted to almost a whole small container of the Smart Balance olive oil based spread. I had the last of almost a whole bag of baked tortilla chips with Pace brand mild picante sauce. I snacked on some cherry tomatoes. I rode my beach cruiser bike on the Cape Henry trail for about 12 miles (six miles each way) at First Landing State Park, which is perhaps one of the most beautiful places in the world. I took my older brother back to the park and went for a short walk again. Took him out to buy some sneakers and clothes. Then we went to a cheap all you can eat Asian buffet (his treat) and I ate rice, vegetable chow fun, steamed cabbage, lots and lots of mixed vegetables (mainly broccoli), watermelon and honey dew. My brother was the opposite -- he ate as much boiled shrimp, fried chicken and General Tsao's chicken as he could possibly consume. It was actually very sad for me to watch because I know food is killing him. But he was hungry and he wanted to celebrate his new clothes and trail sneakers he bought for exercise. I hope he follows through with his wish to change his life. While scarfing plate after plate of cabbage, broccoli and rice I went on and on about how just eating a vegetarian diet of mostly vegetables will allow you to lose weight no matter how much food you eat. I knew I was eating my words though. That night I went home and ate more bread, a little bit of dry cereal, and about a whole bag of red seedless grapes. The next day I was unbearably sore from my bike ride, but my brother and I went for nearly a four mile hike on both the Bald Cypress and Osmanthus Trail. The trail is so beautiful, but the swamp has been drying up pretty bad this year. The forest was still dark and green and lush with Spanish moss, cypress and towering pines.

I ate more of the same yesterday, and then my mom presented me with a dish of boiled potatoes, tomatoes, garlic and olive oil. I ate it up and then I went back to the park and walked with my mom for about an hour and drove back to the city. Last night I stopped in at the supermarket and there was a sale for vegetarian bologna slices, and I thought about how inconvenient it was for this to happen right at this very point and time: for no matter how good the veggie slices are, I am progressing towards a diet of fresh fruits and vegetables. I wasn't even hungry, but I love the stuff so much I bought two packs and a loaf of multi grain bread and ate the whole thing. It was just another one of my famous 'last meal' before the diet, only it was strictly vegetarian. I ate so much this weekend that I didn't even bother to weigh myself. I'll do it today though, after my classes at the health club.

I see green at the horizon as I approach my destination.

Day 52... Sunday break from post.

I have been away from my blog today.

Day 51... Saturday break from post.

I have been away from my blog today.

Day 50... High five!!!

I weighed myself this morning and hastily wrote the new figure on my hand. Although my gains are huge (3.6 pounds in one week) I have been so conditioned to believe that such a figure is minuscule, and that I should be able to do a two hour work out and 45 minutes in the sauna and lose at least 5 pounds. I've been conditioned to think that way for many many years, starting from when I wrestled in high school, and losing 5 pounds of water weight was the norm. I was over weight then too, and I perspired more in comparison to others. On our daily weight chart we would weigh in before practice, weigh in after practice, and then write down the difference. I've always maintained the problem of being overweight and could not seem to get to where I ever wrestled anything under the unlimited weight class. Back then in high school anyone who weighed over 185 pounds wrestled at the 'unlimited' weight class. As a junior I had to eat and drink like I was at a thanksgiving dinner before our match, while most of my team mates had to wear rubber suits and do serious calisthenics in a hot shower to get down to wrestle at their competitive weight. I've even known guys who would suck on a sour candy or gum and 'spit' in a cup to lose the few extra ounces they needed to get down to their weight. I had the opposite problem then. I had to eat to make weight, so unfortunately I never had the blessing of working my way down to a more normal, athletic self. I was an eating machine back then.

In my senior year at high school I began to show signs of obesity and my coach fought back and made me lose some of that weight, but I no longer had the problem of not being heavy enough to wrestle. Now I was just another fat guy in the Unlimited category. Now my coach was making me do serious calisthenics. But it wasn't working out. Now the disease of obesity had taken a foothold in my life. Now the disaster had begun.

I always expected to lose 5 pounds during a practice, and often, if the exercise was more rigorous, I would lose seven pounds. So for me it is instinctual to be unimpressed by a difference of only 3.6 pounds in one week. In medicine, however, 2 pounds of weight loss per week is very impressive, and 3.6 pounds is pushing the limits. I should be very proud that I did it without starving or depriving myself of water. But I can't seem to get excited about it. In my mind, and in my body, I still feel impossibly fat and I'm limited as to what my physical activities and personal abilities might be. But the reality is that I have lost a lot of weight, and I am showing an impressive amount of improvement in my gym classes at the health club. I'm especially showing improvement in Taebo kickboxing. I'm kicking higher and harder than ever before and I'm keeping up with the rest of the class and getting lots of compliments. Unfortunately, it's not the same as our wrestling tradition at our high school. Our coach had the reputation for making championship teams, and it was often said that our two hours of training was a lot harder than what they do at Parris Island Marine Corps training. We didn't take any water breaks either, because the coach stipulated that wrestlers don't stop for water during a match, and that mental toughness must be nurtured by putting off water breaks until after practice.

It was not unheard of for me to lose seven pounds of sweat after a two hour practice, and a five pound loss was the norm. Practice was light if I lost weight at the three pound range. Today I shed about 2 pounds of water weight during a Kickboxing class. Wrestling did make me tough, but it warped my thinking. That's part of the reason why diets and exercise failed for me over all these years. The disease of obesity had set in at an early age for me, and that problem was exacerbated by an unrealistic view or belief in what exercise, diet and weight loss should be.

In my mind, I am looking for the scale to drop in increments of five pounds or more each day. I should be both happy and concerned when I lose that much weight in a week.

I shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Day 49... A new horizon.

I am on the precipice of taking my vegan experience to a whole new level. I'm going to work with Tofu, raw nuts, seeds and legumes, raw vegetables and fruits.

I had lunch the other day at a Pizza Hut salad bar, and I caved in to the use of those crunchy Chinese noodles, which I'm sure nobody in China ever eats. I ate them because they didn't put out sunflower seeds that day. And I can tell that they don't want me to eat there because they put out rotten cherry tomatoes, which almost induced vomiting. As soon as I got up to pay my bill they refreshed all the items on the salad bar and they weren't very friendly.

I don't want to make myself vulnerable to unhappy food service workers, whether they hate me for eating so much, or for any other reason for that matter. I just go in there and I'm 'the guy that doesn't eat pizza' or 'that guy that eats all the broccoli'.

I'm really just that guy that's trying to save his life. However, as one big send off I may go back to the Middle Eastern restaurant tomorrow before I shove on over to Mom's house with a box of all my canned beans, instant no calorie lemonade and so forth. I bought two ten pound bags of beans from Sam's Club that she asked me to get, but she's going to get more than what she bargained for. She's going to get what's left in my pantry. And then Monday I go on the raw veggie plan.

Thursday - This morning I had a huge bowl of my white bean salad with a can of chick peas, can of great northern beans, a can of tomatoes, a half cup of black olives, curly parsley, garlic and blended oil. It was enough food to fill my baseball hat to the rim.

Wednesday - Yesterday I had a 3/4 cup of almonds, 3/4 cup of cashews, 3/4 cup of peanuts and a handful of peanut butter filled pretzels.

Tuesday - The night before that I had my white bean salad, just as described above.

Monday - Had a monster salad at Pizza Hut & had at least five plates of veggies. I know I had one plate of raw cauliflower, another plate with raw broccoli and some carrot sticks. Two plates of raw blue cabbage with some french dressing. A plate of cherry tomatoes. A plate of romaine lettuce. Then I went home and had a half brick of tofu that was grilled with garlic and seasoned with olive oil and curly parsley.

Sunday - At least one sixteen ounce bag of baked corn tortilla chips with picante salsa. I had four toasted bagels with lite olive oil Smart Balance spread (applied more like a slice of bologna than a pad of butter). I had soy smoothies. I had a lot of plums and grapes.

Saturday - I gorged all vegan (tofu and veggies) at the Super King Mongolian Barbecue.

Friday - I feasted at the Middle Eastern buffet.


This was my menu for the week. It will be interesting to see how much I weigh tomorrow morning. I don't think I will go to the Middle Eastern restaurant, and I will probably eat the last of that white bean salad for breakfast. But I may go there if I change my mind. Who knows.

When I start working with fruit and tofu smoothies and fresh veggies I will start eating in the morning and at lunch too. I'll have more control of the caloric content of my food, but I will also be able to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'll eat out far less often and only drink water, coffee and tea (with no sugar or sweetener) from now on. I think this will have the potential to kick start my vegan experiment again, and it will help me build up to a more natural healthy way of eating as well.

We'll see.

Day 48... Oblivion and despair.

I am amazed at the progress I am making, and yet there's so much more to do that I often feel as though the prospect of giving up is reasonable -- even expected. I can see why some diabetics lose sight of their need for discipline and decide to eat cake. It's really a disease of discipline, not blood sugar. Same with obesity. I wouldn't have made it this far without this blog. I look forward to writing it, and I read it often at work and it is a constant reminder of what I am trying to do, and that what I'm doing is important. I see why alcoholics and drug addicts need to go to 12 step recovery meetings. I see why food addicts go to Over eater's Anonymous and Weight Watchers. It all makes sense. I see why I need this blog. The discipline I need to do what I have to do far exceeds my natural ability to stay focused, stay positive and be strong enough to resist temptations of any kind. The way I get this discipline is through this blog, and by forcing myself to show up at the gym and be there before the class starts, and to get to the gym every day if possible.

When you're as fat as I am you have no life. You have no real friends. You have no prospects for romance. Your range of physical activities are limited.

You have no life. Period.

So the excuse not to go to the gym is unreal in the extreme -- I have nothing better to do. I should close the place down, like a drunk at last call for alcohol. They have television at my health club, I can walk on the tread mill for a couple of hours, watch TV, take in an Opera on my Ipod, read a couple of chapters from a book and then call it a night. I have no life. Where else can I go?

I sing in the choir for a church. It's really the only thing going on in my life. I have a job (for now) but I work rather independently from my boss and co-workers, so I have no life with them outside of work (something I am rather thankful for). I am either officially or had been a member of every 12 step program that exists -- It's something I choose not to discuss within the scope of this blog (though I must admit, it is probably the reason why I am still alive and relatively sane). I don't drink. I don't smoke.

I just exist.

And now I don't eat. Because the key to my success, and any weight loss success for that matter, is a significant reduction of calories combined with a significant increase in physical activity. If I want to get thin, then I have to eat and move around like a thin person. This is a hard thing to do in that I am at a point in my program of self deprivation that I could almost walk out into the desert and pretend I am some kind of spiritual guru or crazy old testament prophet. I'm out there waiting to throw myself down at the foot of some burning bush, or rather I am seeking that shaded Bohdi tree where I can sit in the Lotus position until my meditations are halted by the stiffening of my mummified remains as a die in the seated position. Tranquil. Isolated. Alone.

It's hard for me to go on, but unfortunately what choice do I have? I made the commitment that if I had a choice of being fat and miserable or being thin and miserable, then I'd rather be thin. Since I've made that commitment I have come to realize just how powerful the effects of food is on my life. It has the power to temporarily dispel anxiety driven by loneliness, anger and fear. In it's absence, food has the ability to persuade me to believe that my sense of oblivion and despair are real, and that any happiness can be achieved if I go back to eating pizza, fried chicken and hamburgers. I decided that I'd rather be a mad prophet than John Candy, Chris Farley and John Belushi. As deeply loved as they were, those guys are dead in spite of all their success. I don't want to die like that.

Perhaps at the opposite end of the spectrum you have someone that was completely anonymous and someone who embraced oblivion and despair with great courage only to die of starvation. That person is Christopher McCandless. When I read the Jon Krakauer book many years ago I was deeply moved by this experience, and so when it became a movie I couldn't wait to see it. The film seemed to bring Christopher's story back to life again. And yet some people could argue that Christopher's life was also screwed up, but I don't think anyone dies in vain when they are on quest to bring meaning and truth into their lives. Not everyone dies looking for the truth, and those that do often die with their secrets buried with them.

I don't want to die choking on a cheeseburger. I'd rather die for a lack of one.

Day 47... Past the half way mark.

This morning I weighed in at the same weight as I had last Friday morning. That's significant, because I didn't have to do it by starving, and I didn't exactly over do it in the exercise department. To put it mildly, I made a pig of myself more times than I could count. At this rate I will make my weekly goal of losing two pounds with relative ease. Last Friday I feasted at the Middle Eastern buffet. Saturday I gorged all vegan (tofu and veggies) at the Super King Mongolian Barbecue. I snacked all weekend to the tune of at least one sixteen ounce bag of baked corn tortilla chips with picante salsa. I had four toasted bagels with lite olive oil Smart Balance spread (applied more like a slice of bologna than a pad of butter). I had soy smoothies. I had a lot of plums and grapes. Yesterday I ate at the Pizza Hut salad bar & had at least five plates of veggies. I know I had one plate of raw cauliflower, another plate with raw broccoli and some carrot sticks. Two plates of raw blue cabbage with some french dressing. A plate of cherry tomatoes. A plate of romaine lettuce. Then I went home and had a half brick of tofu that was grilled with garlic last Thursday, and seasoned with olive oil and curly parsley. Then I made a huge bowl of chic peas and great northern beans with diced tomatoes, garlic, curly parsley, crushed red pepper, low sodium salt and blended vegetable oil. Ate a little of that and saved the rest for dinner at least for the next two to three days.

Now I got rid of the chili in my freezer. It died due to some kind of freezer burn, or perhaps because I am a lousy cook to begin with. Anyway, I chucked it all out and gave my Mom the extra bags of 'baked corn tortillas' that I love so much. I made an informal commitment to experiment with a diet of primarily 'raw' foods, yet I still have canned beans, frozen veggies and tofu in the fridge. The name of the game is progress not perfection. I am gearing up towards a final month of raw, fresh, uncooked and unprocessed foods, yet I know I can start now by taking home the canned stuff to my moms house, and eating the frozen veggies and tofu myself. Oh, I'm going to get there. I'm determined. Eating healthy is making me hungry.

Day 46... Monday Night RAW!!!!!

I took the day off from Blogging Yesterday. Went home to my moms. I had several whole wheat bagels. Had coffee. I had a lot of baked corn tortilla chips with picante sauce. I taught my mom how to make soy milk/fruit/tofu smoothies. I salvaged a ton of kitchen gadgets my mom wasn't using and came home and had a fitful night of coughing and sleep from a bad summer cold. Overall it was a good day (excluding the cold).

I'm just gearing up to take my whole vegan experience to a new level. I'm getting ready to go RAW!!!! I don't know why the very thought makes me think of professional wrestling (not that there's anything professional about it).My dad used to watch 'Monday night raw' wrestling and I liked making fun of the characters. I used to think that the world would be a whole lot more interesting if everyone behaved as if they were all raging pro wrestlers acting out a lot of fake violence as a way of dealing with their relative sense of futility that eventually backs us all into a corner. At least I can comfort myself with the prospect of 'GOING RAW!!!!' Who knows? Maybe I'll start wearing leopard skin pants.

Day 45... Sunday.

Took the day off from blogging... But, I'm still a vegan (unless I eat in my sleep).

Day 44... Saturday.

Took the day off. I had a veggie fest at a local 'Mongolian barbecue' but I am beginning to think that I can only eat so much Buddhist delight and veggies, and I should just save my money and go to a pizza buffet with a salad bar instead. I am too lazy to prepare my own meals and at a little under six dollars I can 'get my money's worth' too, though being cheep isn't necessarily a virtue I am proud of. I can just picture myself walking into a Formica clad pizza buffet and salad bar wearing department store clothes and a bad hair cut, getting ready to stuff my face with broccoli and carrot sticks.

Day 43... Talk to the hand.

Today I wrote down my Friday morning weight at 349.2 pounds. I hastily wrote down my new gains on my hand before rushing out to work. My new digital scale has proven to be a problem in that I can get varying measures of up to two pounds in either direction -- potentially a discrepancy of four pounds. Either way, I have developed a skill for getting the figures I need by getting three weights in a row to be identical. this is done by tapping on the scale with my toe to get a zero figure in the digital read out. Then, with my hand on the dresser just fifteen inches away to the right side of me, I step with my right foot first (resting my hand on the dresser for balance and so that I make sure I don't overwhelm the scale). I place that foot such that the furthest point on my big toe is almost touching the lower right hand corner of the digital read out. I do the same thing with the left foot on the opposite side of the scale, then I gently lift my hand away from the dresser and wait. The digital readout does it's thing and then gives me a number in increments of no less than .2 pounds. I step off the scale and wait for it to go back to reading 0.0 pounds, then I step on again in the same fashion, only perhaps a bit more quickly. There are times my weight reading is out of whack, and when you are averaging about three pounds of weight loss per week then that could be frustrating.

This morning I finally had three weights in a row that I can be proud of. But I had been sick and didn't rest well last night and immediately thought of celebrating my small victory with coffee and two sides of large hash rounds from Hardee's, but the drive thru was impossible and I came straight to work instead. I really didn't want to eat hash rounds or any fried potato product for that matter. But I had been sick the past few days and last night was no exception. Even though the coughing died down after doing TaeBo Kickboxing I went to bed with this stabbing pain in my neck. The pain was so great that even the slightest change of volume in my breath would wake me, and I had to get up and take three ibuprofen and a swig of tussin. Finally I was up around five thirty this morning and I had to let the dogs out. I wanted so bad to go to a buffet style breakfast and eat plate after plate of eggs, bacon, biscuits, sausage and what have you. Then I thought perhaps there is something in that breakfast bar that is vegan enough for me? Yesterday all I had was a plate of tofu cooked in a George Forman grill with roasted garlic, curly parsley, crushed red pepper and olive oil. It could stand some improvements, but was alright for the most part. I was sick and I wasn't very hungry, but all that changed this morning.

Looking back this morning I begin to realize why it is so important for me to blog this experience, as a means of holding myself accountable, but also as a way of grounding myself in the moment and the 'here and now' so that I may never lose sight of the fact that I am trying to save my life by changing my life. I've never gone to the gym six days a week for weeks on end -- never. I am coming on two months of daily participation in my gym as a student of every class that our fitness club has to offer. I've never done anything this consistent before, and I can see what journaling, blogging and doing it with therapy or in a support group is so crucial. Without it I have no defense against the first hash round, and it's the first hash round that gets you fat.

Day 42... I'm sick.

If you get a cold in the middle of August, can you actually call it a cold? I don't know, but I have a raging cold right now. I've been coughing this dry, hacking cough all day, and I've had sinus discharge all day too. It all started to happen last Saturday when I stayed over my mom's house. I slept in the Florida room with the Air conditioning on. The following Saturday morning I wake with two sore lumps under my left arm pit. I ate buffet style Indian food on Sunday and for lunch on Monday (because the meal I had Sunday really set off a craving for Indian food again). Last Monday I noticed the swelling was going down, and I started to do some work around the house -- not sick yet, but not quite myself. That night I began to work on scrapping the original wall paper off of my circa 1937 plaster walls. I forgot to wear a mask and the dust got in my throat. I only know that because my throat was itchy the following morning. I did go to the doctor's Tuesday but by then the swelling almost disappeared.

Tuesday I didn't eat all day until I cam home and I had a dinner of Tofu stir fry. Not very tasty this time. I won't torture you with the recipe.

Wednesday I had the salad bar at Pizza Hut, which was almost entirely blue cabbage, raw carrots, chick peas, tomatoes, red beans with string beans. Very wholesome.

Today is Thursday and I am sick again. I was very sick yesterday and almost didn't make it to work. I am just as sick today, and all I could handle are some sugar free Popsicle's, Tussin Max Strength cough suppressant (which didn't work) and this preventative type of lozenge called Hall's Pro Health Defense. My throat hurts and I can't really breath without coughing. I'm thinking of not going to the Cardio Kickboxing class tonight, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure what I'm going to do since I'm so sick today. I should have had lunch though. I was either going to get the salad bar at Pizza Hut or CiCi's. I guess being sick ruins my appetite.

I bet it's that wall paper. It was applied at around 1937, and it's on the walls and ceiling, and it looks like the same paper they use to make shopping bags -- sort of brown with prints of flowers or ferns -- very antique looking. But very ugly too, and besides it's under all the many layers of paint. I think the glue for the original wall paper holds the key to all of this. It must be a soup of dead horse guts or something. I've been sick from breathing that dust before.

We'll wait and see.

Day 41... Just a quick note.

I've been fighting a raging cold today. I've been sick the last couple of days, but this morning the illness has developed into a full blown cold. It's amazing what some simple vitamins and Motrin can do. I'm feeling better now. Much better.

I'm thinking about taking the vegan experiment to a whole new level and going raw for another three months after October 4th. Also, as a way of building up to the 'going raw' project, I am thinking about adjusting the current vegan experiment to include more raw veggies. I was thinking about calling it "The Raw Vegan Challenge", and having more features on the website as well.

Untill then, I am just a vegan for better or for worse.

Day 40... Just beyond the hill.

Am I really that fat? Am I really over the hill at 42? It’s not just being fat, and looking at myself in the mirror. It’s the inability to walk on so much as a level gravel road, let alone the trails in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It’s actually feeling sick every day for the last nine years. Even sitting is uncomfortable because I carry the equivalent of a dry bag of Portland cement every where I go and with everything I do. The only two women who ever wanted to have anything to do with me were either struggling with a major mental illness or old enough to be my mother (with children who are my age). I am over the hill, and I will be that way for some time I guess, until all of this changes.

I have found during the course of my experiment that I have had to replace bread with broccoli, rice with cauliflower and pasta with green cabbage. I have also found that these are the foods I should eat either raw or blanched or lightly steamed if I am ever going to make any gains or maintain any weight loss for any length of time. I also have to go to the gym often to make all of this work. The other day I received a card from my former community chorus I once attended, sharing how much they missed me. Well, I can’t go any more. I can barely fit in choir practice and Sundays at church. The solution to my problem has taken over my life. The solution to my problem has become my life (which gives me new meaning to ‘living in the solution’). It’s hard, because I just can’t take a break and go eat a cheeseburger. I have to be vigilant for this to work. It just seems all too hard for me to deal with. In the beginning it was easy. Just eat like a vegan. That was easy. I could go to health food store and eat vegan cookies all day long. Well, I can’t do that any more. I have to save what’s left of my life. To go back to what I was before, or to crack the door open by easing up on me is to embrace medication for diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol – all in my early 40’s. That’s what the doctor was proposing before I went on this crazy experiment. The fact is, I don’t want to be a vegan and I don’t like going to the gym. But now I have to do this to save my life. It’s actually very depressing when I think about it.

It almost reminds me of when someone describes the relief they felt when their parents got divorced. They would say, yeah, I wanted them to stay together, but it reached a point where I was glad they divorced. It just was not working out. Would I feel the same way if I decided to ‘live for today’ and think, well I’m going to have pizza or Chinese take-out for lunch, and then I’ll have spaghetti for dinner, but on my way home I’ll need to go to the pharmacy and get my antidepressants, my diabetes and cholesterol medication. I can still make it home in time to watch Seinfeld – boy I am glad I don’t have to go to the gym anymore. My two big monster dogs, my ‘girlfriend’ and our six cats will all be waiting for me (if she’s not drunk). I feel so much better now that I have learned to love myself ‘just as I am’. I really wanted to make the vegan lifestyle work out for me but it was just too much. I feel a whole lot better now that I have learned to love myself. Oh shoot, I think I’m out of cigarettes.

Well, I don’t love myself. I hate myself. I am at war with myself. And I would encourage anyone who’s in my shoes to do, feel and be the same way. I’d rather die than be the over medicated slob I just described. I feel that I’m in the wilderness with Jesus, with John the Baptist, Mohamed, Gautama Buddha and others. I am not eating locusts, but I’m pretty close to it. If I had to eat locusts, I would – only it’s not a vegan food because the locust is a living creature. I wonder if John ate locusts ‘with’ wild honey to hide the taste? Honey too, is not considered a vegan food because it exploits and kills bees. Anyways, I am in the wilderness and it is what you imagine it to be, a harsh, lonely landscape. But the idea is to come out of the other end of it as an enlightened man. The intent is to be victorious, and if I believe correctly, to truly receive a sense of god deeply into one’s bosom. It’s just a hard thing for me to do. That’s why at times I seem so negative about it.

I just want to be normal.

Day 39... If it aint broke don't fix it.

I'm almost at the half way mark. Almost there. But where is 'there' and why am I going 'there' in the first place? It's hard to say, not because I don't have the answer to that question, but because the answer would take a chapter (and perhaps a whole book) to explain. There are many things wrong with me. Obesity is just a symptom of the problems I have. And as much as I like eating vegan, all I'm really doing is treating one of the the symptoms of my problem. Well, actually I am treating many of the symptoms. There is blood pressure, blood sugar, triglycerides, cholesterol and obesity. Then, by going to the gym every day I am getting even better results, meaning my energy is elevated and the gains I have made far exceed what I would have accomplished had I been just a vegan couch potato (and by the way, the potato is a vegan food).

But going to the gym isn't really a requirement for being vegan either. Actually this blog is really about experimenting with the vegan lifestyle as a way of helping me achieve my goals in overcoming obesity. So you see, this experiment can also be termed as seeing what would happen if I went to the gym every day, and whether or not I could do it while maintaining a vegan lifestyle. It's really a combination of both, and what I also failed to mention is that going to the gym also treats another major symptom in my malady -- that in participating in all the classes that are available to me, I have developed new acquaintances and I am far less lonelier than I have ever been. Most of the classmates I work out with are women, all of whom are very attractive, and most of them have flirted with me in one way or another, which I find very flattering. It may be a while before I actually date any of them, but in the meantime I find myself making a lot of progress in every area of my life.

Still, I have to ask myself, what is the underlying problem. What mechanism or feature (whether it is genetic, mental or physical) is broken or not working properly such that I have ended up being 42 years old, utterly alone and isolated from the world and morbidly obese? Why is this part of me broken? When did it break? How did it break? Who or what was the accomplice in this tragedy in my life? What circumstances along the road of life brought me to the place where I was willing to go to the gym every day and suffer the embarrassing task of lumbering through our exercise routines to work up a sweat while being surrounded by so many super healthy and energetic people? What circumstances had led me to believe that 'eating vegan' will aid in the cure for my malady? And last but not least, how is the veganism and the exercise working? Am I making progress?

This weekend I was pretty down on myself, and I found myself asking some of the same questions I've mentioned above. I figure, at 42 years old, even if I turn my life around, I estimate that I may only have few good years in me before I start to get old. Never mind getting married, having children and putting up the white picket fence. Any woman that will have me is already going to have grown children, and quite possibly her house already paid off. And then I peruse the Internet and see that the rules of the game are changing, and that more and more women my age are dating younger men. And then I think, well, perhaps nobody will have me unless I make my standards impossibly low (and they can't be possibly lower than they are now). I actually worked with this man who was in his early sixties and running marathons. He was very healthy for his age. It was funny, I would think that if I could 'get it together' then I have a pretty good idea of what I have to look forward too when I reach sixty. And then I laugh because I think that at least he's running marathons. I'd like to run marathons when I turn sixty.

But I remember, now even more than ever, what the sounding drum of my commitment has been from the beginning. I quote myself as saying, "If I had the choice of being fat and miserable or being skinny and miserable, I'd rather be skinny and miserable". I know a lot of good looking, well-to-do people who are miserable. I look at them and think, I wish I had there good looks, their health, their money. Yet I don't have any of those things and yet they are so miserable I almost think I'm better off than they are. At least I have an excuse for being miserable. At least I have a reason.

So I'm committed to the cause and I'm making progress. I'm treating nearly all the symptoms of my malady. What then is the underlying cause of all this? What part of me is broken and can it be fixed? This is what I was thinking about on my way to work this morning. Something about my machinery is not working right. Some part of me has made me obese.

Day 38... Still surviving.

Surviving. That's what it feels like today. I think I feel okay, but I have two swollen glands under my left arm and that worries me. I've had them before and just ignored them and they went away, but now I have them when I am doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. Eating right. Exercising. Going to the gym. Not drinking or smoking (both of which I haven't done in a long time). Somehow my body is battling an infection or a cold of some kind and I have these swollen glands, or I have lymphatic cancer. Probably the former is true. I must go to the doctor.

Today I am just surviving. trying to get through it all. Last Friday I ate at my favorite restaurant, a buffet of middle eastern cuisine. I went home to Mom's house that night and had broccoli rabe and whole wheat pasta and lots and lots of whole grain whole wheat bread. I ate a lot of fruit too. A cup of cherries. Cherry tomatoes. A bowl of grapes. A half dozen plums. I felt a weakness coming on. Saturday My mom roasted some eggplant and yellow squash, and I had that and lots and lots of that whole grain bread she bought on sale. I can eat bread by the loaf, which is why I don't keep it around the house. I felt I had to escape that place of refuge and go back to the city where I made a salsa of black beans and kidney beans, and I proceeded to eat that for dinner over the course of the evening. I ate it all with a bag of the Utz baked corn totillas. I had this idea that since I was eating so much I better get it out of the way while I can and start fresh on Monday. To have snack food (like corn tortillas) in the house is like an alcoholic trying to make a six pack of beer last three days. It makes sense to have just two beers a day for the average drinker. Perhaps a normal person would buy a six pack, break open a can and put the rest in the fridge and forget it's even there for a few days. But and alcoholic would bring home that six pack (if he or she hasn't started drinking it on the way from the convenience store), then he'd put the pack in the fridge, take a beer, sit on the lazy boy recliner and turn on the remote and channel surf while sipping that beer and pretending not to know that five more beers sit and wait for that first can to be finished. When the alcoholic finishes that first can, he says aloud that I have one more beer if that six pack is gonna last three days -- I better have it now. Then that drunk will finish the second beer and say, hell I'll just have one beer tomorrow as he gets up to drink a third. Then he or she is thinking maybe I can drink one more beer and I can still drink just one beer tomorrow and the day after. Half way into that fourth beer that drunk is not even debating the the last two anymore. He or she is thinking about the next six pack and whether or not they can try and make that one last three days as well.

When I made my salsa, I didn't even bother to debate whether I was going to make this bag last a week. I just thought that it was amazing that it stayed unopened in my cabinet in the first place, and that for dinner and snaking I was going to eat the whole bag. These chips were baked, not fried. They have seventy percent less fat than regular chips. They were lower in calories. It was actually a chore to eat all that salsa bean dip and chips, but I did it. I was hungrier than usual since last Friday, and I was still hungrier today. This morning on my way to kickboxing I stopped for coffee at a local Hardee's restaurant and ordered two extra large hash rounds as well. It wasn't even my intention to get something to eat. But the on-line ingredient guide said that Hash Rounds (Small, Medium or Large) are cooked with vegetable shortening. Either way it is not good for me and I worry about that. I was even tempted by the cold pizza in the fridge at my office at work. I hope I can survive. I am almost half way there and being vegan has been good to me.

I beginning to believe in veganism. But can I continue to believe in myself?

Day 37... The results are in!

Hi again! I got the results back from the labs of my blood sample. I am a 42 year old male. I used to weigh 392 pounds. I now weighed in at 362 pounds. My blood sugar level was 106, it is now a very normal 97. My bad cholesterol was 93, and it is now a healthy 79. My HDL (good cholesterol) was 31, and now is 32 (a modest gain... it still needs to go up). My triglycerides was 185, it is now 156. Wow! Everyone at the doctor's office said I was doing well, and that I should keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing. However, I was a little sick today. Two of my lymph nodes under my left armpit are swollen. I have a kind of sinus infection -- I think. And I had a little cough. I hope I'm alright.

Day 36... It's Friday again.

I did it again -- to test my theory of eating at the salad bar at Pizza Hut. I am losing a lot of weight. You know, I could make this the Pizza Hut Diet and be famous like Subway's Jared. I could be Pizza Hut's Joe! Anyhow, the salad bar ran out of vegetable oil. They had no cauliflower or beets, so I ate a plate of Broccoli and carrot sticks. I had a plate of chick peas, blue cabbage and sunflower seeds with pickled mild yellow peppers. I had a lot of cucumbers with peppers, and I made tiny cucumber-pepper sandwiches. I had another plate of peppers and blue cabbage -- the blue cabbage, by the way, was raw. I had easily four plates of food -- two of which were primarily chick peas. Now yesterday after work I went to the gym and did an hour of Taebo kickboxing and an hour of body sculpting. Body sculpt is very hard for me. When that was over I went to the sauna but it was turned off and I didn't want to hang around to wait for it to get hot. i went home and went to bed. I was not very hungry, but i caught a glimpse of the second bag of baked tortillas and thought that I would eat at least half a pound of chips if I got started. I didn't want to do it. Making my short term goals for my Friday morning weight was too important to me. If it was Monday, then definitely. I'd say, let's dice an onion, open some tomatoes, beans and salsa mix and let's make a meal out of it. That's exactly what I did last Tuesday and Wednesday of this past week -- and I still lost about three to five pounds. My weekly weight chart indicates that I lost almost five pounds, but it could have been as little as three, since no one can say just how empty my stomach is at the time, or exactly how my weight fluctuates over a twenty four hour period. But I will say this... I ate like a pig this week -- a herbivorian pig, but a pig nonetheless. Seven days from 357 pounds to 352.8 pounds. You do the math.

Day 35... Building up my confidence.

I'm still waiting for the lab results of my blood sample from last Tuesday. In the meantime, I work, I go to the gym, I eat. Well yesterday, I work, ate lunch and worked some more, went to the gym, came home and did some work around the house, went back to the gym to spend about thirty minutes in the sauna, went home again, drank lots of water, then went to bed.

I had the salad bar at Pizza Hut yesterday. I could tell you exactly what I ate. I had at least four plates full of food. I first had a plate of sunflower seeds, chick peas, blue cabbage topped with mild peppers, oil and vinegar. The second plate was more like broccoli, cauliflower, carrot sticks, sunflower seeds, oil and vinegar. The third plate was tomatoes, carrot sticks, Blue onions, mild peppers and seeds again. Fourth plate was mostly red beets. I know I had a second plate of chick peas in there. Lot's and lots of sun flower seeds and vegetable oil. Very fattening, I am sure of that. This morning I woke up and weighed myself at a new low of 353.4 pounds! I ate until I hurt, drank fluids until I was no longer thirsty and lost weight! My class at the gym last night was Hip Hop Hustle, but because the class is only 45 minutes long I didn't really get a good cardio workout. I went home and did some chores and felt frustrated and went back to the gym for a trip to the sauna. I can only last 20 minutes in there. I went out and cooled down and went back in for another ten minutes. That was it. I went home and was thirsty and I drank at least three 32 ounce cups of water. Then I went to bed and slept well. I find that eating lunch and not eating before bed time gives me a better rest than say, waiting until after my workout to eat, and then going to bed. Usually I get about 4 hours sleep, but last night I slept at least seven hours.

I know I had at least 1500 calories last yesterday. It seemed, by describing what and how much I ate, that I probably had 2500 calories, and yet I lost the weight. Eating mostly raw, and natural, is really an idea I can wrap my mind around. But can I be sure about it? I may have to try the Pizza Hut salad bar again today to find out.

Day 34... Just a quick note.

I went to the doctors yesterday at noon to complete my blood work. The extra time off from work and the thought of being in the doctors office again for a second day was irritating. But I also had to fast for my blood work, meaning I could not have coffee that morning. That was very uncomfortable to me, and so I packed my vitamins in a paper towel, placed them in my shirt pocket, and I went to get my blood test. For some strange reason, the needle the nurse gave me hurt like hell going in, and it hurt coming out. But she did get the sample. At least she didn't poke my arm like she was playing the violin.

I had a diet coke and the salad bar at CiCi's pizza buffet afterwards. Then I went to the gym and did the TaeBo kickboxing class after work. I went home last night and finished the other half of a bowl of black bean and corn salsa and a half a bag of baked corn tortilla's and still lost weight. This morning I weighed less than I ever have since I started this crazy diet. I weighed 354 pounds! I'm eating like a pig and losing weight! And the doctor said it seems like I'm doing great with the diet, and that the results from the blood test will tell me more, and the the electrocardiogram results were perfectly normal (no mild heart attacks in my sleep and no signs of blockages). Blood pressure was good, and I lost over thirty pounds since my last visit. The doctor was going to refer me to a nutritionist and check the lab work on my blood sample and that is it. I am really interested in, and can't wait for, the results of my lab work to come in. I hope it's my lifestyle that's changing my body and not some hidden cancer fueling away like some miniature nuclear reactor edging towards the ultimate meltdown.

Until then everyone... Eat well and exercise!

Day 33... Salsa for Sam I Am.

Do you like black bean and corn salsa Sam I Am? Do you like it with a chopped onion? Do you like it with two fourteen ounce cans of diced no-salt-added tomatoes?

No, no, no I don't like salsa. I don't like it with two fourteen ounce cans of Black beans rinsed thoroughly, I don't like it with two to three cups of frozen corn!

Do you like it with an ounce of olive oil or two? Would you like it with a single packet of pre-mixed salsa seasoning purchased from Kroger?

No I do not like black bean and corn salsa. I do not like it with baked tortilla chips boasting seventy percent less fat. I don't like it seasoned with crushed red pepper. I don't like it eating it after a workout. I don't like it ever! I wouldn't eat it with your son, and I wouldn't eat it with your mother!!!

Well, tell me then... What do you like Sam I Am?

I'll rather have salsa with black beans and corn! I'll have them with tortilla chips that are not fried! I'll have that if it's not as you described!

Very well Sam I Am, I say with a sigh. At least you're not eating spiral ham and butter cream pie!

Day 32... Fasting and Bloodwork.

I went shopping last night and raided the extra firm organic tofu supply at the local supermarket, then had the bright idea of getting four packets of premixed salsa spice for my tomatoes, onions and beans. In the grocery isle I spotted a special for Utz brand baked corn tortilla chips. Two large bags for one low price of four dollars. I caved in. While I was in the line I read the stats. seventy percent less fat but only fifteen percent fewer calories. However, the nutritional information indicates that there's no 'sugars'. There are mystery calories in these chips. It was too late. I bought the chips and went to buy gas and I almost opened the bag while I was driving.

My intention was to use the chips sparingly. This eventually will be a test of discipline for me -- kind of like walking into a pizza buffet and just eating from the salad bar. However, last night I could not eat anything because I had to fast for my blood work. I am going to the doctors for a routine evaluation. My original doctor has switched practices, but the clinic assured me that they have my original file, and that the new doctor can and will evaluate me with that same file as well. So I hope we can talk about the change in my weight, the new results of my blood work and the retreat back from the edge of high cholesterol, diabetes and high blood pressure. I want to talk to this doctor about allowing him to monitor and administer a VLCD (very low calorie diet) and to help me achieve my goals for a healthy lifestyle. I need a doctor to monitor my health and progress for my own safety, and for the credibility of The Vegan Experiment as a whole.

Day 31... Meal for the day.

I went to the gym today. We did a marathon TaeBox session of an hour and a half. Yesterday at the gym we did an hour of Body Sculpting. I could have gone to the gym on Friday morning for a Group Cycle class, but I'm not accustomed to going to the gym in the morning, so Fridays tend to be my day off. And since our church choir takes an August break, I'll take this month off from church to get that power workout. Also, yesterday I went to the other gym to use the sauna. I stayed in there long enough to play both sets of Aaron Copland's Old American Songs. They are all together about twenty three minutes of songs that go by very quickly, so I could pace myself in the heat until I had enough. I'll do it again today now, but I don't make it to the other gym very often. During the week I do the TaeBox on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Mondays I do Body Sculpting and a Step Aerobics class. Wednesdays I do a Hip Hop Hustle class. Saturday is Body Sculpting and Sunday is TaeBox for now. If I should stop going to church or become an atheist or something I may make the Sunday TaeBox experience a permanent one, but for now I am doing it only for the month of August. I'm thinking about getting extra classes in. The other gym has a Solid Weight Training class at 6 am on Mondays and Wednesdays, and a Group Cycling class on Tuesday mornings as well. I want to ratchet up my routine for the next two months, because I'm no longer recording my weight from day to day and I'm no longer sucking weight like I did in the first three weeks of my routine. I drink plenty of fluids now and I eat a variety of fresh vegetables, beans, oils, nuts and seeds to get the nutrition my body needs. And if I only lose two pounds of body fat a week, then that's okay for now. At that rate I would achieve my goal of optimum health and weight in a little over a year which is fine. My body (as large as it is) is adjusting to the intense workouts and I'm starting to have fun too.

But the vegan experiment is only three months long? I may continue the experiment for another three months, using the principals of Raw Veganism, hereby heralding 'The Raw Vegan Experiment' instead. I feel that after a month into this process, the strict vegetarianism is the way to go for me, and the raw food vegetarian diet may be even better. We will see.

Speaking of raw foods, I had a salad lunch today at CiCi's Pizza. I was afraid it would be quite a challenge to eat there, since I had so many 'meal for the day' lunches at that establishment. I used to take off for lunch an hour early (at eleven A.M.) thinking that if I eat before eleven thirty or so, then I can eat all the food I need for an entire day, skipping breakfast and dinner. Thus the concept of having lunch as the 'meal for the day' was born. Even in my early trials of vegetarianism I would go there and eat a lot of cheese pizza, with veggie cheese or mushroom cheese as well. I would either eat salad first and then the pizza, or the other way around. I would do the same at Pizza Hut, which is closer to work than CiCi's, but I liked the occasional change of atmosphere. Either restaurant, it didn't matter. I ate and ate and ate. I can't tell you how much pizza I ate, but I'd eat my moneys worth. I estimate that I made at least three plates overflowing with pizza. I estimate that the total pizza consumed is that of two to three whole pies. I would eat until my gut hurt and that was it. On some occasions I would feel some reservations about all the bread and cheese content in my diet and I would try to eat just from the salad bar. But this was a while before the great vegan experiment was born, and undoubtedly, until my body detoxified from all of the meat and cheese products I was accustomed to, I would invariably fall into my old habits.

So after TaeBo boxing I walk into CiCi's and order the buffet and a soft drink, and my impulse is to request a special pizza with no cheese. The young lady at the counter insisted that the manager can make anything I wanted, and so the thought of getting a non-cheese pizza was becoming a serious issue for me. But I resisted the idea, sat down with a bowl of cherry tomatoes, blue onions and black olives, fixed a large plate of salad with a mountain of broccoli and began to eat. I ate and ate and ate. I used no creamy dressings, just oil and vinegar. I must have had three heaping plate fulls of veggies -- mostly romaine lettuce, broccoli, baby carrots, blue onions, black olives and a little tri-colored pasta salad. Each time I got up to fill my drink I would walk past all the items on the pizza buffet bar and look for that one magic slice that had no cheese or meat. There was none. And I asserted to myself that I could live without that white flour bread crust that sticks to my intestines like concrete and provides me a boost of 'empty calories' that will only exacerbate my efforts to be healthy and happy again. I would have gone home to eat, but I have to go to the doctors tomorrow and I need to fast for my blood tests. I needed an early meal that might keep me satisfied for most of the day.

Yesterday I came from the gym and had lunch at my favorite middle eastern restaraunt and enjoyed so much fava beans, green beans, humus, babaganush, tomatoes, egg plant, cauliflower, fig leaves, falalfel and rice. I thought that would be my last meal for the day, but late last night when I got home I ate my special chick peas, curly parsley, diced tomatoes, garlic and olive oil. I think I ate a lot last night in anticipation of my fasting for blood work. I really want to do this right and check my progress with my family doctor to see what my results are. I have to fast from now until my appointment tomorrow.

Day 30... Vitamins, Minerals and Supplements -- Oh my!!!

The vitamins I take, after I swore I'd never take them... Beginning with Niacin 1000 mg (not pictured), a daily multiple vitamin which should be enough in and of itself, a B12, a Glucosamine supplement of the soy based variety, Melatonin for sleep, Ginkgo Biloba -- because I like to say it, an 81 mg aspirin as a preventative measure against heart trouble, Flaxseed Oil for Omega 3 fatty acids (somehow I picture Jerry Garcia's face printed on a fat cell and chillin' as it is viewed under a microscope), Ibuprofen for whatever and lots and lots of fluids. Pretty awesome accoutrement of stuff?

I have gone crazy with the stuff. But there is a long history behind all of this. First, and for quite some time all I ever took (with the exception of Melatonin) was a daily multiple vitamin. I was on a diet every other day, so the presence of a daily vitamin as a means of supplementing my sense of 'wellness' was always there. Whether I took them every day or not is another matter.

As for Melatonin, I have been taking that for many many years. I suffer from insomnia of the worst variety, viewed as chronic. I have had it all my life, and in the early days only antidepressants were the best available treatment. When Melatonin came on the scene a little over ten years ago I became a user and it worked well for me since then. It's safe, effective and good for you. I've always been overweight though , and as a I entered the realm of morbid obesity one of the consequences of a such a problem is depression. Think about it. Who wants to date a guy the size of a school bus? Most fat people are in denial of their weight and so they seek out partners who are thinner, and so they act surprised when they are rejected.

So you see, even fat people don't like to date fat people. I've never met a woman that has a thing for morbidly obese men. That's just one aspect of the misery. The other is not being able to do the things I liked to do when I was young. Then there is the physical discomfort of being large. Under these circumstances there would definitely be something wrong with me if being obese didn't make me depressed. Fortunately I'm depressed enough to do something about it. So what came first (is what you're thinking) the depression or the fat? And you thought I was going to bring up the chicken or the egg! Well, it doesn't really matter. There have been periods of time in my life where I have taken antidepressants, even after I have been taking melatonin, and my experience is that during the course of my treatment for depression I would gain more weight -- now I can't verify that antidepressants were the culprit. It could be that the medicines worked well, and I would get my appetite back. It could be that medication altered my metabolism -- I don't know. But I'll tell you this much, when I stopped taking medication the weight did not go away.

I haven't had a need to take antidepressants for years now, and yet while I find that being morbidly obese is depressing, I don't find that I am primarily a depressed person. But I do take melatonin -- have been for years. I take it for insomnia, though it's my understanding that Melatonin has many other useful benefits as well.

Niacin. A friend who had another friend who is a holistic guru 'turned me on' to niacin one night at the Magic Carpet Middle Eastern restaurant in Manhattan's Greenwich Village. Scott got up to use the bathroom and Evan gave me a white tab and a tall glass of water and told me to 'take it' and drink the whole glass of water. Evan was grinning with anticipation as he waited for 'the burn' to take effect. Niacin can have a severe flushing of the skin -- a tingling heat sensation if you will. The surface of my body had a warm burn for a while as we ate. After dinner I had a glass of Turkish Coffee and we walked to a vegan bakery that was on Christopher Street called The Sacred Cow. Evan bought me a carob nut specialty called a sinner bar. The sugar, Turkish Coffee and Niacin made me nuts, and in the middle of what is possibly the gay capitol of the universe I held out my baseball hat like a beggar and started singing Sinner Man while these well preened and muscular guys were out on there dates, holding hands and walking up and down the street. I could have been beaten for acting like a complete lunatic. Could you imagine me on the corner Christopher Street on a Friday night, singing "Oh, sinner man, where you gonna run to?". Scott and Evan grew up in the East Village. Scott is a Jewish, self professed ex-gay born again Christian of the Pentecostal type, and Evan is a guru of sorts. These guys were so weird I just could not avoid being in their club.

So I bought a bottle of Niacin because it was supposed to clean my blood while giving me a cheap little buzz of sorts. I took it so infrequently that I still have the bottle until this day, and only lately have I got into the habit of taking it again as prescribed. It is supposed to boost your 'HDL' or good cholesterol which is why I take it. I have had exceedingly low levels of HDL all of my life, and apparently it is an indication that I will develop diabetes as an adult.

I take a B12 for proper brain function. All the vegan literature out there indicates that B12 is a necessary supplement for the fellow vegan.

I take Glucosamine HCI (non-shellfish) for healthy joints.

Now about a month before my Fourth of July event my doctor prescribed to me either Flaxseed Oil or Fish Oil for Omega 3 Fatty Acids. After battling the extra one hundred pounds I gained almost eight years ago and feeling like hell and being sick and miserable all of the time I decided to go to the doctor. It was my original intention to get bariatric surgery but our company insurance wouldn't cover it and I didn't have the cash on hand to have that type of procedure done. So I go to the doctor and we do blood work. The results of my lab tests for my blood samples were bad. I had problems I never had before. Sure, my good cholesterol was low, but my bad cholesterol was up. My blood sugar was screwed up too. I was on the doorstep of diabetes, high blood pressure and Edema of the legs. I initially went to the doctor with complaints about my breathing and wheezing in my lungs but he immediately wrote that off as a bad case of allergies. What he probably overlooked was the possibility that I may have water on the lungs or the onset of congestive heart failure. He told me to start taking the fish or flaxseed oil, take a daily 81 mg aspirin, take allergy medicine and he told me to consider getting the bariatric surgery and suggested that we may need to start diabetes treatment as well. That was over a month ago. That doctor has since moved to another practice. I am seeing a new doctor next Monday. I'm fasting and getting blood work done. It's at the same clinic so he should have my file on hand. We should be able to monitor my progress then. I did want to get the bariatric surgery but that's not in the picture for now. Hopefully it will never need it.

I started taking Ginkgo a while ago. I speculated that being fat seemed to affect my thinking and my job performance, which often looked like Swiss cheese -- a perfect piece with lots of holes that are essentially errors and omissions. Something had to be done. I started taking Ginkgo and Ginseng. Then I stopped taking Ginseng because I felt that it increased my irritability greatly. As for my job performance, I do feel that it has improved. I'm a firm believer in that if your physical health improves, your mind and your spiritual health will benefit as well.

Then there's the multi vitamin. One pill that tries to do it all. Perhaps some time down the road when I reach my intended goal then all I would really need is this one-a-day type of multi vitamin. It has Niacin (only 25 mg as opposed to 1000 mg that I've used to taking), It has B12 (a microscopic quantity as well). I don't doubt that it's beneficial, but some time down the line I would like to develop a health regimen that would allow me to divorce myself from all of these pills -- the multi vitamin is no exception. I would like to develop a health plan that is all natural and all inclusive as far as 'getting what my body needs' is concerned. This was initially my thought when I started experimenting with Veganism. I thought, man I really eat a lot of vegetables, and many varieties as well -- do I really need any vitamins or supplements? Probably not. I may have to take a B12 -- but that's it. I'll take a B12 and an aspirin and Ibuprofen every now and then. However, I have all of these other pills and I'm not going to throw them away. I will use them for as long as I have them, and when they're gone I'll find out if I feel any better when I lack one or more of them.

Did I forget Ibuprofen? That is not just a pain reliever, it is also a fever reducer and anti-inflammatory that could knock out a sore muscle or relieve the throbbing that occurs at night after one vicious workout. Pretty amazing stuff.

That is it for now. But years ago I've tried Effedra and nearly died from abusing it. I've had an accidental overdose at least twice that I can remember. I don't use it. It's my experience that any gain from an Effedra induced weight loss comes right back in no time. Oh, there are days in the office where I feel sleepy in the afternoons. I used to take pseudo ephedrine with the excuse that it would help my allergies as well. I'd say that I was tired and I'd make up the excuse to use pseudo ephedrine to perk me up. It's my understanding though that this medicine, if abused, could damage my heart over the long run. I don't use it anymore. Haven't used it in many many months. Whenever I get tired at work I drink a cup of Black Tea instead. Sometimes I drink two cups of Black Tea, but that's it.

With the exception of sugar free lemonade or the occasional diet soda I don't indulge in artificially sweetened deserts if I can help it -- and I drink my coffee black and unsweetened. Initially I was eating these sugar free popsicles for a while, but they had a mild laxative effect and made me feel sick throughout the day. And I don't take the meal replacement protein powder stuff either. I used to drink can after can of Royal Chocolate or French Vanilla meal replacements. And though they are packed with vitamins and minerals, something about consuming them made me feel hungry all the time. It's kind of like being an alcoholic or a drug addict. You never cure an addict by giving them the smallest possible portion of their own poison -- that only triggers the mad obsession to do more damage. If you give an alcoholic a beer and say "just drink one beer and you will be fine" he or she will drink it and crave even more alcohol than ever. Also, most meal replacement drinks give me diarrhea. And I don't do power bars either. Why try to squeeze nutrition down from the size of a cantaloupe to the size of a cell phone? Why not just eat a sensible vegetarian meal instead? Today I just eat wholesome foods that are vegan friendly. We will see and know the truth after my doctor's visit. What will we know from the progress I have made so far? I know a few things already... I've lost weight. I'm fitting into my old clothes. I'm saving money from not having to eat out as often as I did. I feel good most of the time. I eat as much as I want and I don't have cravings like I used to. But let's see what the doctor has to say about all of this.